Me + Apraxia

You are sitting at a table of moms and they’re light-heartedly complaining about how there is always so much chatter. It’s always “mom. Mom! MOM!”. The kids just never shut up. So much talking! …and you sit there. Silent. Not saying a word. You don’t understand these feelings yet because your child doesn’t speak. He doesn’t say “mom”. Or even a “ma” for that matter. You get jealous that these women even have the luxury of hearing their child say that word. All you want is that word. Being the person I am, I keep it light. As they look for me to join in I casually explain my son has a speech delay and doesn’t speak yet. “Ohhhh, it must be so nice to have some silence!”

You catch yourself blankly staring then quickly give a casual smile and move on.

Silence was the furthest thing from what was included in my day to day life. There was a lot of crying and whining. A lot of frustration and acting out from not being able to be understood. How horrible that must feel. You are growing and learning and exploring, yet can’t explain to the person closest to you that you want or need something. There was no silence.

You are running errands with your child and people come and talk to you. Assuming all children his age can speak they ask him simple questions. He just silently stares at them and then you see him shut down. Not daring to open his mouth because he is fully aware that the sounds he wants to make do not sound like they should. You get protective of your child’s feelings and usually change the subject before having to explain. Or people think it’s ok to question his delay in front of him as if he is also hard of hearing. And your heart…hurts.

You see other kids jumping and chatting and having so much fun, as every child should, and it makes you sad. You feel sad because you just want what is “normal” for your child. You don’t want things to be harder for them than they need to be. We all know life is challenging enough for everyone and your heart…worries. 

Sometimes the simplest task of telling your mom what you want to be for Halloween takes her two weeks to figure out.

Sometimes your child tries talking to you and you have NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT ON GODS GREEN EARTH HE IS TRYING TO SAY! You want so badly to understand and you can’t!

Sometimes you just sit and cry.

Then one day you realize that it was all a blessing. That child that has worked SO HARD is one of the sweetest boys I know. It might have taken him almost three full years to mumble a “ma” but as other kids were learning to talk, he was learning to read people. He’s sensitive and loving and kind. He helps his friends at school. He notices when I need an extra hug. He loves SO BIG.

And he wasn’t the only one learning. If it wasn’t for him, I may not have noticed other people struggling with similar challenges. What a punch in the gut it was to walk into his therapy center, and later his early learning preschool, to see other children with challenges far greater than his. My struggles are nothing compared to some. To the point where I even feel ridiculous for saying I’ve struggled. 

At almost 4 ½ years old, we have come so far. This past year alone has been explosive for his language. We have so many angels to thank for our son’s improvements. Our local Easter Seals for starters. When I meet someone and they tell me they are a Speech Language Pathologist I have to physically refrain myself from hugging them to death. These people are saints. So much knowledge…sooooo much patience. They are magical humans and I swear there is a super cushy lounge in Heaven just for them. When our son had his last therapy appointment before he aged out of the Early Intervention program, we said our “see ya laters”, I shut the door, then balled my eyes out. I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive without her. And that’s when my next angel walked into our life. His first early education teacher. Another saint with a level of love and patience that I can’t even comprehend. I’m so immensely thankful for our “village”.

Put kindness above everything. Show compassion to others. We have no idea what their struggles are. Think twice before giving that mom a dirty look because she can’t control her child at the store. Just because her child looks “normal” doesn’t mean she isn’t dealing with major challenges. I’m so happy that while it’s so easy to see all the bad going on around us, I know just how much good I have surrounding me.

For those of you wanting more information on Apraxia, as you or someone you know may be dealing with it, please check out {this link}.